Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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