Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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