i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
