why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
