I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
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