I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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