i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
