So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
