the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
