Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
