I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
