I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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