Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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