In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
