A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
