we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
