How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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