you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
