my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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