You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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