i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
