I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
