If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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