New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
