If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
