Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just forgot I was standing up.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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