I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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