She said her name was "party"
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
