I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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