his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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