Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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