my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
