Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
