Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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