i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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