The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
