mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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