Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
