Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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