She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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