God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
