Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
