My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
