You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
A+ Viking dick
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
