carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i dont even know how to be here
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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