I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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