i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize