If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
