My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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