i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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