What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize