He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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