When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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