I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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