I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
