Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just pee around me
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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