dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
